[Birdtalk] The Universal Laws of Birding

Fri Aug 3 13:45:16 MDT 2007

I thought you might enjoy these, they were sent to me by a non-birding friend

The Optimist's Constant: Birds have wings, and no one has told them when or where they should be.
The Pessimist's Corollary: When birds use their wings, your timing or location will be wrong.
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Sacrificial Lamb Law - The bird will be seen by others only after you, as the sacrificial lamb, leave.
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Sitting in the Woods Corollary - The bird will be seen by others only after you have snuck into the woods to take care of biological responsibilities. 
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Resnick's Variation - The bird will show up only when you go into a snack bar to get some nice hot chocolate on a bitter cold day. 
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Theorem of Diminishing Returns - The longer you look for a bird, the less likely you will find it. 
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Hoffman's Corollary - The further you travel to see a particular bird, the less likely you are to find it. 
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Arie's Nemesis Theory - If you don't see the bird within a certain amount of tries, it becomes insulted and deliberately avoids you from then on. 
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Gilbert's Wishful Thinking Hypothesis - This takes place by casually mentioning a bird and then the bird shows up.
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Frazier's Law No. 1 - The bird will only come out after you have begun to leave. Sometimes you can trick the bird into coming out by loudly announcing that you are leaving and starting to move in that direction. Note, at the end of a day of waiting, combining the Sacrificial Lamb Rule with Frazier's Law No. 1 can overcome the Theorem of Diminishing Returns. 
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Ann's Assumption - Never assume the bird line has been updated. Just because the bird's not been reported doesn't necessarily mean it's left the country! 
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Hoffman's Law - You may look for a particular bird for 20 years without finding it, but once you DO find it you find them everywhere. They turn up in your driveway, on your porch, EVERYwhere. They suddenly become robin-like in their numbers. 
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Bangma's Observation - You will learn more about the variation in Herring Gulls in 30 minutes of looking for a Thayer's than you will in a lifetime of looking at Herrings.
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Paulson's First Law - Common species are more common than rare ones. 

Paulson's Second Law - Well-known birds appear to vary more than poorly known ones. 
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Arlis's Technobirder Triangulation Conundrum - The probability of a technobirder finding an important bird is directly proportional to the triangulated distance between subject, human, and camera. 
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New Birder's Theorem - The probability of an unknown bird possessing a very distinctive identifying field mark is directly proportional to the amount of time he spends posing for you. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Field Mark Tendencies Scenario - Whenever you are out birding without a fieldguide and see a new bird, the fieldmark you think is the important one is never the important one. The bird always flies before you can look at the important one. If there is an important field mark, the bird never lets you see it. If the bird sits there all day and lets you look at all its field marks, it is not a rare bird. 
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Wilson's Law of the Gainfully Employed - Rare birds reported on the tape on Wednesday are usually gone by Saturday. 
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Arie's Photographic Anomaly - Your best photographic opportunities will occur when you leave the camera behind. 
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Bird Watcher's Digest Rules of Hawk Identification 

Rule No. 1 - It's a Red-tailed Hawk. 
Rule No. 2 - It's a Red-tailed Hawk. 
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The Warbler Corollary - It's a Redstart 
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Ian's Irony - The bird will always be between the birder and the sun. 
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Bangma's Photographic Absolute - The lens you have with you is never long enough. 
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Elizabeth's Consideration - The bird that you struggle through difficult terrain, endure multiple injuries and screw up your schedule for, will be waiting for you above your car in the parking lot. 

Pamela's Considerate Corollary - When one non-birder stays behind in the car while the birders go on an expedition for a target bird, the non-birder will report having had wonderful looks at the bird when everyone returns.
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Norm's Photographic Observations 

If you see a bird you don't recognize and photograph it for later identification, all the key characteristics will be obscure. 

All small, nervous, flighty birds have an innate ability to feel photons reflected from their body being focused on a viewing screen and move instantly. 

Otherwise outstanding portraits of birds will show the nictitating membrane in use. 
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Elrick's Hypothesis - If there are two or more birds in a tree and one is a rarity, the only one you can't see is the rarity.
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Sosensky's 1st Law - Dull birds with difficult plumage are always seen on overcast days. 

Sosensky's 2nd Law - The active foragers are always in the canopy or the back of the tree. 

Sosensky's 3rd Law - Woodpeckers and creepers spend more time on the far side of the trunk. 

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Sosenky's Theory of Optical Availability - Birds are most visible when your binoculars are down. 

Field Guide Corollary - The bird is most visible when you look in your field guide and least visible when you go back to look for the next field mark. 
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The "YSHBH Syndrome" - Upon arriving at the site of a bird reported on the RBA and finding a group of birders already there you will be told "You Should Have Been Here xx minutes ago. The bird just flew." 
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The Transubstantiation Phenomenon -- The ability of many rare birds to change their appearance into that of a common bird in the amount of time between your spotting them in a tree with your naked eye and raising your binoculars to look at them. An evolutionary holdover from the days of collecting. 
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The Inverse Distance Waterfowl Law -- The rarer the duck or goose, the further from shore it will be. On an enclosed body of water, it will always be on the diametrically opposite shore from you and this shore will always be private land or otherwise inaccessible. 
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The Weekday Migration Rule -- During spring and fall, all major flights will occur on a weekday.
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The Weekend Migration Rule -- In published analyses of arrival and departure dates for any given migration in bird journals it will be found that nearly all birds arrive in the spring on a weekend and depart in the fall on a weekend.
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The Luck of the Uninterested Rule -- At any stakeout for a rare bird at which a large number of birders have assembled, one birder will usually have dragged along an uninterested, non-birding friend or relative. The non-birder almost inevitably will be the one who looks the other way or wanders off and finds the sought after bird.
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Theory of Canine Disturbance - Nice flock of birds awaiting detailed study and enjoyment....by dog 
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The Lister's Geographic Difficulty - The best birds are always on the other side of the dividing line for the area you're keeping track of...refuge, park, state, country, continent, etc. 
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Blinn's Moving Car Observance - If a small brown bird flies across the road, it's a Song Sparrow. 
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AJ's Thermodynamic Constant - The number of species seen in winter is proportional to the temperature. The constant varies. 
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Theory of Birding Locations - There it is - There it goes. 
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The Scope Location Absolute - If you need the scope, it's in your trunk. If you don't need it, it's on your shoulder. 
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The Top Gun Defense - Birds can sense "Optics Lock" and take evasive action. 
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Outhouse Observation - Interesting birds always show up around an outhouse during a field trip. Particularly when you've just entered. 
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The Western Rules of Hawk Identification 

Rule No. 1 - It's a Raven. 
Rule No. 2 - It's a Red-tailed Hawk. 
Rule No. 3 - It is NOT a Golden Eagle. 
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The Yurchenco Distance Vector - The distance you must drive to see a reported rarity is directly proportional to your interest in seeing it.  The likelihood of the bird being there is inversely proportional to the distance you have traveled.  
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The Aircraft Conspiracy - Birds which need to be distinguished by voice only sing when aircraft are overhead.  
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Grant's Law - The apparent size of the bird I am watching is only that of the species which I think it is.  
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Sosensky's Exception - If the lens is long enough, the bird will be too close to focus on.  
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The Hologram Rule of Elevation Displacement - The bird you really want is always in the top of a tree, upslope from your current location.  
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Rosenban's Dictum - If you get a really good look at it, it's probably a Redstart. 
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Field Guide Inaccuracy Absolute - There is always an expert in the group who knows more than the field guide about the finer identification points of a given bird.  This applies to every field guide or book ever written and is particularly relevant when the bird is rare.  Frequently, the matter involves "gizz", a meaningless method for someone attempting to get a lifer look.  It should also be mentioned that the aforementioned expert will have NEVER written a field guide.  
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The Big Sit Consideration - The good birds show up when you have a bagel with cream cheese in your hand. 
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The Camera Power Conundrum - Bird lands 15 feet away, battery in camera fails. 
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The Yellowlegs Absolute - If a Lesser Yellowlegs and a Greater Yellowlegs are next to each other, someone will make the comment, "There's a good size comparison." 
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Shorebird Viewing Problem - Away from actual seashores, some of the best shorebird locations are also the least scenic or the smelliest. 
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The Neck-Pain Nuance - If it's a warbler, and it's moving slowly enough to see, it's a Yellow-rumped Warbler. 

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